b

09:23 am: I met a nice lady this weekend. Here comes the visual: Sandy blonde, too crisp and clean to be called dirty blonde, with a teased look in the back that she spent a lot of time on, which I was really diggin. Big blue eyes, dark eyeliner and massive lashes. The best smile I've seen in a long time backed up by the straightest whitest teeth I've ever seen on a real person. Creamy light skin. Tall, maybe 5-8, nice posture. She has a thing about clenliness which is great, but I'm a little worried about the OCD nature of it. I like how even though I've been looking for it, I haven't seen any negative expressions or talk. That is a really big deal to me. She doesn't smoke and drinks about as much as I do, so not much then, and handles herself well within an unfamilar crowd. She says she's adventerous and I wonder how early the good girl knee jerk will kick in if I were to get her on the back of my motorcycle. I wonder if she would like to just drive around and listen to the radio, or is she too girly to make out in the rain. I wonder if she is too clean to like oral sex, or actually sex in general. She found an erotic massage book under my dresser and teased me about it's nature. I think she's curious about it but judging by the conversation, it may be outside her experience circle.

03:32 pm: nice to see you again
When I first met you, you were standing in front of the class, timid and barely in charge. Only a few years older than myself, you were eager to introduce us into your world of literature and language. I liked you instantly for your passion and vulnerability. I watched you as your hands would tremble in front of the class and would fantasise that maybe you liked me. Fast forward 6 years and now I'm taking my last literature class and it just so happens you teach a section at a good time but is unfortunatly full. So on a chance I stopped by school today to see if I could find you. As luck would have it you were in your office and it lifted my spirits when you recognized me. We talked for a half hour about all that we've been up to and I watched you, like I used to, to see if your fingers still trembeled. At first I was dissappointed, but as we setteled into eachother's company that old tremble returned. Maybe it was too much coffee, maybe I make you a little nervous. Maybe I'll make up my own reasons. It was good to see you.

09:37 am: just do it
I watched a movie last night and cried at the ending. I wish I was a poet and possessed the skill to organize the words to describe the rush of feelings at that moment. I felt quite alone. I thought about how the people that are always there for me seem so distant, and I realized it's the relationship with myself that is lacking. I used to bolt from the pillow each morning in a hurry to conquer the day. Lately though I'm reluctant to bed and reluctant to rise. I'm tired of this lack of ambition, just get on with it!

03:23 pm: things I love
I was given a homework assignment quite some time ago. The assignment was seemingly simple: write about what you want in a wife. It is not supposed to be about any one person in particular, but given the power to get everything I want, what would I ask for in a woman. I realize that is more a journey of self discovery than anything else. So late nights when I take inventory of the day and give thanks for all my blessings, my mind often wanders over the things I really love. That is when I am the most honest with myself and all kinds of things pop into my mind. Last night I thought about all kinds of things I love. I thought about how I have a thing for cleanliness. My hands must be espically clean. Clean clothes, clean car, and there is nothing sexier than a woman who is habitually clean. With her sharp haircut, and manicure, clothes that add up to more than the sum of their parts. A pedicure with maybe a toe-ring. Clean complexion and a seductive smile....stunning! There are so many things I thought about last night that I cannot remember, but most of them revolved around the concept of clean. I remember thinking about how muddeled our lifes get when our focus is polluted. I remember thinking how elegant simplicity can be, and how flawless a pure smile is. I think it is time to keep a tablet by the bed.

08:53 am: it's been a while
Unfortunatly, most days I let myself be distracted by the hustle and bustle of modern living in the United States. Wake up just in the nick of time, eat a turbo breakfast, jump through the shower and sprint to work. Then I sit at the desk and all the day's stressors pour in. Emails, phone calls, did I finish that homework? Well not this morning. School happens to be out for a few weeks before I begin the Summer semester, so that helps, but mostly this morning I feel blessed. I feel secure with my place in my life and really proud of the role I play in the lives of other people. As I write this the emails are stacking up, but in the grand scheme it really doesn't matter. Emails will always stack up, bills will always have to be paid, but when I open my eyes to what is really important, the little things bounce off like I'm wearing some kind of invisible armor. I'm feeling generous today as well. If you see me on the street this morning do not be suprised if buy you a coke. I'll even do one better, if you read this rest assured that you play a role in my life. Here is a virtual coke and a smile for you...*raises glass bottle in a toast* Thank you all for the influence on my life, please take a second and recognize how important you all are to me, and may you feel joy as you slow the beat to enjoy the flowers.
cheers,
B

08:33 am: a kickass weekend!
Friday: Left work and went straight to Mom and Dad's because my poor father is still really suffering with his knee. It drives him crazy to sit still, but he really doesn't have much of a choice. He compensates for this by giving me chores that he would normally be doing. I don't mind, but its almost humerous to watch him squirm because he is so immoble now. Total knee replacement scheduled for a week from tomorrow. After that I went to a shrimp boil with a couple of guys from the soccer team. I didn't know what to expect and when I pulled up to the house, there were cars lining the entire street. It was really unbelievable. The front of the house was all quiet so I just followed some people in who had a very young child. I thought they were trick-or-treating but they just walked straight in. Once inside it was nothing but parents and kids. I wasn't actually sure I was in the right place. I asked for Matt and someone said "yeah..he's in the back, make yourself at home". I made my way to the back yard, crossing a sea of children all dressed up and looking cute. Found Matt and Kerry out in the back yard boiling the shrimp next to the Moon Bounce someone had rented for the night. They told me to get a beer from the cooler and I instead found a coke, then went over to help a little and take in the mood and conversation. I stayed for quite a while then retired to my house for some candles and a book on the couch.
Saturday: Slept in a little then got up and prepared myeslf for a mountain bike road trip. Jake (a co-worker) invited me to the Ocoee with his father to help him celebrate his 53 birthday. Jake's father rides very well for an older man and I was pretty impressed. I relaxed on the 3 hour drive up there and then took my time setteling into the trails once we were there. We got about 2.5 hours of riding in before it began to get dark and we needed to be moving on. The trees and the mountains were breathtaking and the trail we chose was open and twisty. We did a long climb up to a lookout then entered the trail which was a very very long gentle desent to the lake below. for 6 miles we cut and looped through the trail and it was easy to let the bike roll. Sweeping through turns on the edge of traction, braking hard for a tighter turn and then jumping hard out of it. It would be best described as a disneyland rollercoaster on a bike; surrounded by the most beautiful fall colors and mountain views, and a river with class 4 rapids. Your in control, adrenaline pumping, in complete rythem with the flow of the trail. Faster! and you accelerate out of corners, legs just quivering with excitement, you find that your pace has outdistanced everyone and you want to go faster. The trail cuts sharp left and you brake and sprint from the apex, its down hill so your approaching 30 mph, then a dogleg to the right and the trail rises steeply up and even more steeply down and as your stomach rises you try to set up for a sweeping left hander and just briefly notice the lake and marshes down to your right. Your heart is pounding about 150 beats per minute, which is almost to the threshold of discomfort. You let out a loud whooping "woooHOOO!" because you just can't keep the excitement in. That was Saturday.
Sunday: Immaculate weather, picnic in the park, cleaning the house, and a quivering left quadricep to remind you of the joys of yesterday.
B

09:31 am: ordinary man
Happy Halloween everyone!

I don't know what it is about these most recent events, nothing out of the ordinary has happend lately, but I sit here at my desk with my mind wondering and I feel more philosophical than usual. I've been thinking about past lovers and future plans. I've been doing lots of thinking about what is important to me versus what I've been taught is important. I've been thinking about how my good intentions have turned out to hurt some people. I don't think there is anything that hurts me more than to think that I've caused someone else pain. And as I'm having these thoughts, old friends from miles away hear me. A good friend from the Navy called me yesterday out of the blue. I had been thinking about him. And then an Ex lover called. She was stuck in traffic and somehow just dialed my number. These things don't happen by accident. Gods work is amazing, and I love the way things are provided. There are always friends hurting within the network, but it works like a power grid and its beautiful. I got to thinking about a song from Don Williams. He has this silky voice and you almost can't help but feel good when he sings.

I don't believe in superstars
organic food and foreign cars
I don't believe the price of gold
the certainty of growing old
that right is right and left is wrong
that north and south can't get along
that east is east and west is west
and being first is always best.

But I believe in love, I believe in babies
I believe in mom and dad, and I believe in you.

Well I don't believe that heaven waits
for only those who congregate
I like to think of God as love
He's down below, He's up above
He's watching people everywhere
He knows who dies and doesn't care
and I'm an ordinary man
sometimes I wonder who I am.

But I believe in love, I believe in music
I believe in magic, and I believe in you.

I know with all my certainty what's goin'
with you and me is a good thing
it's true, I believe in you.

I don't believe virginity is
as common as it used to be
in working days and sleeping nights
that black is black and white is white
that Superman and Robin Hood
are still alive in Hollywood
that gasoline's in short supply
the rising cost of getting by.

But I believe in love, I believe in old folks
I believe in children, I believe in you.

I believe in love, I believe in babies
I believe in mom and dad, and I believe in you.

12:45 pm: your da bomb!
Big thanks out to Nefri for the icon!
B

10:39 am: pictures from last weekend
totally pumped about the photographer posting his pics on the web. These are the shots I found from one of the first sessions before I really got the hang of it.

http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?eventorder?photo=04RK001M0A0025&start=0&album=0&adjust=-1

http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?eventorder?photo=04RK001M0A0017&start=0&album=0&adjust=-1

http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?eventorder?photo=04RK001M0A0020&start=0&album=0&adjust=-1

http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?eventorder?photo=04RK001M0A0028&start=0&album=0&adjust=-1

http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?eventorder?photo=04RK001M0A0035&start=0&album=0&adjust=-1

10:39 am: very productive night
I left work with a small headache and popped a pair of advil before I walked out the door. As I drove home I was impressed with how beautiful the afternoon was. I went home and started the laundry and made some quick dinner. After dinner I felt normal again and decided that since today looked like a repeat with the weather, I didn't want to waste it sitting inside my cage again. So off to Mom & Dads for some garage time. Everything went back on the motorcycle so smoothly. Blinkers back on, check, mirrors, check, kickstand and rear pegs, check, plug back in head and tail light, check. So now she's street leagal again. This weekend I'll need to replace the antifreeze I took out, but until then I'm riding.
Out you go!
B

10:56 pm: Had a really good dream lastnight and it inspired this story. Its proving to be quite longwinded but this is exactly how it unfolded in my dream with a little wording in there to fill some gaps. I promise that I will finish it as soon as possible but its getting late now so I thought I'd share part 1.

Tim was a handsome 28 year old with dark hair and a lean build. He graduated collage as a mechanical engineer and quickly found work out of state. Growing up in a privileged family, his parents enabled him to indulge in almost any activity he wanted and they almost always involved risk or adrenaline. Tim was an accomplished skydiver and alpine skier. He played soccer throughout his childhood and it helped pay his way at the state university. The one thing his parents would never consent to were motorcycles. Tim’s father was badly injured during high school and still has problems with his knees. Tim knew better than to push the issue while he lived at home, but once out on his own the monotony of he work coupled with the taste of forbidden fruit called him to sport bikes. Tim was good at everything and racing motorcycles was no exception. He soon earned a spot on a small club that had managed to drum up some sponsorship to help with some expenses so that they could travel to area races. There was no real prize money in it, but Tim didn’t care, he did it for the rush.
As the seasons went by, Tim honed his skills until this year when he was in a 3-way battle for the points of the regional series. With only 2 races left Tim began to spend more time practicing than ever before. When your pushing the limits like Tim was accidents are bound to happen and while practicing the Monday before a weekend race, Tim made a small mistake and he and his bike went sliding into the infield. Tim was fine and the bike was fine. A few small scratches on the faring and tear in the left shoulder of his protective leather suit were the only damage. The team had replacement fairings but the suit would have to be repaired by a leather specialty shop. Tuesday morning Tim searched the yellow pages for a suitable shop and decided on one of the smaller businesses hoping for quicker turn around since he’d be back on the track Wednesday. He called the place and explained to the nice lady what had happened and she told him that while she would be quite busy today that if he could drop the suit off late that evening, she would have the suit repaired and ready for pick up by early the next afternoon. An appointment was made for an 8pm drop off and at precisely 8 Tim pulled into the drive.
The business was run out of the owner/operator’s home on the far side of town. The owner introduced herself as Julie and Tim apologized for needing such a rush job and thanked her again for offering to do the it with such short notice. Julie said she didn’t mind and talked with him for a few minutes. She confessed in those first few minutes way more than Tim was used to, including that she was a single mother and how she started the business to provide for her and her daughter Kelly. As she was talking though Tim began to notice her fair facial features. He guessed her to be in her mid 30s and found her southern accent to be relaxing. As Julie continued to talk, Tim felt almost as though he were in a trance. Julie had a habit of talking too much when she was nervous and the longer Tim was there the more nervous Julie got. She hadn’t made love in years and there was something about Tim that made her pussy quake. She was afraid that he would notice the way she was looking at him so her eyes were randomly searching around the room. Then Kelly walked into the room stark naked at the height of her mothers sexual tension. Everyone froze when they realized what had happened. Kelly, as Julie had explained earlier, was 18 and had been upstairs showering and therefore did not hear that Tim was downstairs. Kelly had a habit of being naked, something that her mother taught her was quite natural, and didn’t think anything of coming downstairs since the shop was supposed to close at 6. Kelly’s face instantly turned red and she ran back upstairs forgetting all about what she had come down for. Instead she sprinted to her room and locked the door and lay on her bed with her heart pounding thinking about what a rush she just had exposing herself to a total stranger. Even though she had only seen Tim for a few seconds Kelly could retrace every feature. She could see as plain as day how his face for an instant was shocked but then turned to lust. As she strained to remember his every detail she began to touch herself.
Downstairs Julie apologized over and over and Tim began to feel uncomfortable so he thanked her again and made an exit. He started his car and sat there for a minute thinking about what had just happened. This girl was 10 years his junior but had a body a man of any age would appreciate. Her facial features were not unlike her mother’s and her body was fit and trim. Her breasts were perky and proportionate, and Tim even notice that her dark pubic hair was kept closely trimmed in a sort of thin line. Tim closed his eyes and smiled and thought to himself “racing stripe”.

08:49 pm: how can I feel lonely?
Tonight I am sad. Lena just left, but I'm not sad about that. If I am honest with myeslf I have been sad all week. This must be lonleyness. I should know better. I know that I am connected with all that is. I am surrounded ,heh, with friends that lead their own lives but friends none the less that would lay their lives on the line for me. I know that I am loved. I have been blessed so much in this life that I have even known the love of some great women. Including Lena. I have learned alot about myself since we broke up and I think she has too. She looked really good tonight, having lost atleast 20 lbs, now she has short hair that she spends time on, and her makeup...well she was wearing some. I'm really happy that she is finally learning to love herself. She has made friends and she is noticibly happier since we have split. But I digress, this isn't about her. A message came to me this morning that I put in my earlier entry. "There is no formula for recreating the warmth of Love" or something like that. Well thats exactly right. There is no warmth right now. I feel as though I have wasted my day. What did I add to anyone's life today? Thats probably a little unfair. I met a new person today and she was nice to me and we shared good conversation and coffee. So why, right now am I cought up in this drama I have created. Why does the thought of God not brighten my mood? Why do I feel that right now I need to touch someone, either mentally or physcially. Why does intimate physcial contact make me feel validated? Not sex, but the touch of a cheek, the look into an eye, the warmth of an embrace can heal me. Someone said "A man can only experience what he is, no more, no less". Right now I am detached. I should have known something was wrong when I got onto the bike and couldn't get into the workout. Tuesday I rode myself into a big sweaty mass and I loved it and felt as one. Today I am detached. I need to find my rythem. Conquests have brought no satisfaction to my soul. The one person I want to reach out to will not come to me. I am too stubborn to go to her. She is out there, with those eyes that can heal me, using them merely to look. I'm not convinced she is capible of seeing what she means to me. So now I will shower and dress and go out into the night to try to find a connection. Maybe its not too late to add to someone's life, to give them the connection and validation that can save them, to make something of my day. I say a prayer, the usual prayer of thanks added to a prayer for myself and the disconnected, may we all find what we are searching for.
B

08:53 am: There is no formula for generating the authentic warmth of love. It cannot be copied. You cannot talk yourself into it or rouse it by straining at the emotions or by dedicating yourself solemnly to the service of mankind.

I had the craziest dream last night. I was somewhere out of town and it started raining so hard that I had to take cover in a museum. They had all kinds of things in the museum, and the gards were showing me around since the place was closed and desserted except for me. They took me in the back to a giant aquarium where they kept this crazy fish. Now I don't know the difference between a fish and an eel, but this fish had no stabilizer fins or dorsals. He (I guess it was masculine) was massive in size like the size of a school bus, and somewhat plain in shape. He had a huge head and could have swalloed a man whole. His body then was just long and tapered until it came to a kind of tail. He stayed in constant motion swimming round the giant tank at all times. The most striking feature of this "fish" was that he had these bulbous jelly fish looking things attached all along the center of his back. I joked to the guards that they looked like missle hatches on a submarine. They looked back at me and said that I wasn't too far off. They explained that when he hunts he will swim under the middle of a school of fish and one of them will shoot off his back and then kinda explode in close proximity to the fish effectivly stunning them for a few seconds. The giant fish then swims round and swallows them up. The guards said that one of those things could stun several humans for a few seconds, and I have to say I was impressed.
Well the rain outside only got stronger and it was getting to the point where Noah needed to start pairing them up. Dream evolves and eventually the water comes into the museum and overflows the tank and super scary fish gets out. The streets are adequatly flooded that this big monster is loose swimming the streets and I woke up. Crazy dreams

01:36 pm: sweet serendipity
Went home for a nap and a burrito. Good nap, dreamed about sex. Got into the car to return to work, saw a sign at the school for Homecomming Oct 17. Turned on the radio to hear "Every Breath you Take" by the Police, and then followed a silver Nissan X-terra into the work parking lot. I sit here with the smell of freshly cut grass, a taste of prospect, and a feeling that there is a devine driving force at work with me.

09:16 am: still finding my way
It really was a sucessful weekend, as I got tons done. Went for a wonderful ride on the mountain bike with Matt, Bethal, Zac, and Rich. I wasn't very fit, but then I knew I wouldn't be. I have so many asperations to be good to my body and its just really not happening. So what if I rode on Saturday and played a soccergame on Sunday. Thats all I did for the whole week. 5 hours of exercise, not exactly what its going to take to get where I want to go. After the ride Saturday Dad and I really got into the motorcycle. Mirrors removed, blinkers removed, a couple of things safety wired, some fuses pulled, suspension and throttle cable adjusted (which makes her feel quite sporty yippie) oil changed, all coolant drained and replaced with just distilled water. Then Sunday after the game I went and washed her and put all the farings back on. She looks clean, lean and mean. Very excited about next sunday at the track. I spent the rest of the afternoon with the core of the soccer team. We lost our last game but we put on an impressive show after a terrible first half. With a full squad the outcome would have been much different. We cooked hamburgers and hotdogs at Matt's house. He has an attractive wife expecting their first in december. Kerry Bell announced his engagement to Kelly McCormick after the game as well. I am very happy for them. They get along well and will both be good to eachother. I used to have a big crush on Kelly, I've known her since I moved back to huntsville in second grade. She grew up with me at Thornton Acres pool and still is absolutly georgous. After dinner a few of the guys began to compete to see who could drink a beer the fastest, then we goaded Matt and Carter into a wresteling match in the back yard. It was all good fun. We were wearing out our welcome at the house so we all decided to continue the festivities at the turtle. I had 3 coronas (which is a ton for me) and we all had drink and made merry. Everyone kinda made me responsible for the teams fitness next season, so I have decided to organize workouts from my house. Several of the guys have expressed interest in cycling with me, but they really don't have any idea what they are getting themselves into. I might be able to start them off with some easier stuff and work them up without pushing them too hard. Well when it came time to sleep last night I really struggled. I was hungry but it was 11pm and I really needed to sleep. I tried to sleep but I wasn't tired so i made myself some ciniman rools from the tube. Before I knew it I had eaten the whole rool and went back to bed. I swear I had alchaol induced ADD last night because I was completly out of control of where my mind was going. By 3am I was beginning to get pissed. I tried to take control by doing some relaxation exercises and concentrating on my breathing. I'd count maybe 10 breaths and then I'd go straight back to thinking about sex. I wasn't particularly horny, and I don't remember what I was thinking about specifically, but I was really annoyed. I got up and moved the alarm from 7 to 8am and tried to go to sleep. I guess I finally did.
B

10:23 am: Fiction
I have been thinking about a storyline the last couple of days. I am such a novice writer that it may take some time to get it all out, but I wanted to share a teaser. If you like it let me know, that will definatly help motivate me to get it finished.
B

He always says his prayers once he is in bed. Something his Mom taught him growing up on the farm. After giving thanks though, his mind has been wondering. Lately he has been confused and worried, the stress of his job has been affecting him more than he admits even to himself. His million-dollar arm aches from the game he just pitched. He looks around his top shelf New York apartment and retraces the steps that brought him here. He longs for the simpler life he had at home. A superstar on his high school team, the whole school loved him. Teachers made him special tests to make sure his grades stayed up. Not that he needed them because he was plenty smart. They just wanted to make sure he didn’t sacrifice practice time for studying. Things were so easy then, especially the girls. Everyone competed for his attention. He kept steady girls off and on throughout high school and even college. There were some girls though that didn’t care about all that. Mary didn’t care about that. His mind remembers all of her curves and the way she acted so shy in public so that nobody would know what was really happening after his steady girl left for the night.

12:22 pm: Green lights
The last couple of days Huntsville has been experiencing absolutly georgous weather. I don't really know exactly what it is about Spring and Fall that makes things seem so special, but I like it. The spring has always been like an awakeing. No more death and cold from winter, love is in the air, we all know the story. Fall's symbolism was never as clear as Spring's. If I could pick ideal fall weather it would be today. Top down on the miata. Driving to class there was a really cute blonde sorority type in a black avenger that had some work done to it. She had a sticker in the window that said "NOPI chick" HA! Class was boring blah blah, but I drove home for lunch after class. Top down still, radio blasting, black acura RSX with aftermarket wheels and exhaust. Yep, bombshell blonde. I look over and she smiles. My day is made. She turns onto my street behind me, but passes my house shattering a budding fantasy. Its cool though because today I'm getting nothing but green lights. So back to Fall. Maybe fall is more relaxed because the heat has subsided. Maybe its sexy because the trees begin to really put on personality. I feel the most like Fall is sophistication. The summer has matured, there is less urgency in everything. The Fall is a Lady with elegance and finesse and impeccable manners. She wears designer shoes and walks with that little shake that men are drawn to but don't know why. She is the wisper in your ear that can give you chills. I love her.

09:05 pm: working late
yep thats right, racking up the overtime hours again. Its cool tho because I can definatly use the money. I was moving slow last week with being under the weather and all, when I'm here by myeslf I can get tons done because of less interuptions. As an added bonus, years ago when I used to work late I made a deal with myself that if I stayed productive till 11 I could go to Visions and have a beer on the way home. I've only ever done that once, and here I am updating my journal. Better get back to it.
B

09:53 am: I'm OK, your OK
Not just a book, it sums up my life's philosophy.

01:01 pm: everyone needs jokes for Friday
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.



Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,"Mama! I have someone for you to
meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands; nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Now he knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit except that he has a black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences



Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad
attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Bob tried hard to change the
bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,
anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He
yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got
angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a
few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly there
was quiet. Bob was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said:
"I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask
for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Bob was
astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made
such a drastic change when the parrot said: "Sir, may I ask what the chicken
did?"